The worst beginning of all texts, blog posts and letters is ‘I don’t know where to start.’ However, these are the only right words for the reflection on 2017. I am certain that flashbacks, pain, longing and unsaid words continue haunting me in 2018. Unfortunately, you cannot cut all the strings and move on so easily. Healing takes time. Sometimes it takes more time than anyone can imagine.
I was about five years old. I got a doll for Christmas, and I remember playing with it in the corridor waiting for my mother and grandmother to finish packing our things. We went to the aunt’s home. Everyone went there. All the aunts, uncles, their kids and even great-grandmother. As far as I remember, it was the last Christmas when my great-grandmother was with us. It was the last Christmas when I saw everyone. It was the last Christmas when I think it felt like Christmas. I was too little to understand and remember how was it. However, the picture from the twenty years ago gives me a feeling that it was special.
During the past year, I heard about the same tragedy that happened to four different people. Well, mathematically, eight people. It’s the same story about love that faded away. Engagement rings were thrown away in the sea of memories or from the high mountain without having a chance to be discovered again. Nevertheless, the reasons and further storylines turned out; differently, I was questioning the meaning of engagement, love, and relationships.
I found myself wondering whether I should follow my cynical path and idea of love, or should I embrace my tiny inner romantic who was muted years ago by wrong decisions and people who were unable to love.
Another season comes to an end bringing us closer to the end of the year. Autumn harvest is over, and we can count the goods we managed to grow successfully. Is your harvest a disappointment or it bypassed your expectations as mine did? However, the most important lesson we should learn about the end of harvesting season is to be grateful for what we received and have. Everything we have today might disappear tomorrow or the next week. It’s sad, I know. But that happens. However, human beings are creatures who can adapt and survive in numerous difficult situations and conditions. We are designed to live through those changes each season gives us.
To build a home by Cinematic Orchestra has been following me for years. The song brings nostalgic feelings and gives a little bit of naïve hope that someday we will build a home. For you, for me. However, when I sent him a link to listen to it, he said that it was one of the saddest songs he had ever heard. Indeed. But I managed to find beauty in sadness. What else has left for a dreamer who wanted to build a home?
It’s quite ironic, but the first night I slept in my new apartment, I had a dream about him. Why you? Why tonight? A human mind can play tricks even when we sleep.
I knew that after holidays, I had to come back to my old life. The one I left years ago. There were too many failures, painful mistakes and things that simply went wrong. The thought of coming back was scary. I was nervous, anxious and unable to find inner peace. But here I am now. It’s been a month since I am back. I am good so far. I am trying to figure out if it was my life back then or it has just changed. Maybe, I started looking at some parts of my life differently. Maybe, I can admit that something has changed in my life and I learn my lessons. Finally.
I was leaning on the rock. It was pretty cold. However, it was relieving to feel something cold and strong behind my back. After a couple of minutes, it was still hard to breathe, and my heart seemed to jump off the chest. I was telling myself to breath deeper. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. However, after a couple of minutes and seeing the path that leads further, I just felt how my knees started shaking and bending. I barely heard and saw what’s going around me. I just knew that panic attack was coming up too fast and I wouldn’t be able to control it any longer. I had to run away to the safer place.
That’s what I did.
And I was left alone in the middle of nowhere.
When the grasshoppers become loud in the evenings even in the city, I realised that summer is coming to an end. It’s August. The last month of summer was always nostalgic for me. The warm wind and intense orange shades of sunset forces to stop for a moment or two and appreciate everything that is around.
Pop culture, as well as regular culture, is not my thing. Sometimes I wonder what my thing is, but that’s an existential question I do not want to think about right now. However, for some mysterious reason, I started watching ‘Keeping up with the Kardashian’s’ and…
I got obsessed.
Starve your distractions, feed your focus
We live in the era of distractions. Thanks to social media and the enormous amount of interesting, useful and entertaining content out here, we find difficulties in focusing on daily responsibilities. However, it’s not the only problem. Once in a while we can spend few hours offline and participate in real life.