The worst beginning of all texts, blog posts and letters is ‘I don’t know where to start.’ However, these are the only right words for the reflection on 2017. I am certain that flashbacks, pain, longing and unsaid words continue haunting me in 2018. Unfortunately, you cannot cut all the strings and move on so easily. Healing takes time. Sometimes it takes more time than anyone can imagine.
I was about five years old. I got a doll for Christmas, and I remember playing with it in the corridor waiting for my mother and grandmother to finish packing our things. We went to the aunt’s home. Everyone went there. All the aunts, uncles, their kids and even great-grandmother. As far as I remember, it was the last Christmas when my great-grandmother was with us. It was the last Christmas when I saw everyone. It was the last Christmas when I think it felt like Christmas. I was too little to understand and remember how was it. However, the picture from the twenty years ago gives me a feeling that it was special.
Another season comes to an end bringing us closer to the end of the year. Autumn harvest is over, and we can count the goods we managed to grow successfully. Is your harvest a disappointment or it bypassed your expectations as mine did? However, the most important lesson we should learn about the end of harvesting season is to be grateful for what we received and have. Everything we have today might disappear tomorrow or the next week. It’s sad, I know. But that happens. However, human beings are creatures who can adapt and survive in numerous difficult situations and conditions. We are designed to live through those changes each season gives us.
To build a home by Cinematic Orchestra has been following me for years. The song brings nostalgic feelings and gives a little bit of naïve hope that someday we will build a home. For you, for me. However, when I sent him a link to listen to it, he said that it was one of the saddest songs he had ever heard. Indeed. But I managed to find beauty in sadness. What else has left for a dreamer who wanted to build a home?
It’s quite ironic, but the first night I slept in my new apartment, I had a dream about him. Why you? Why tonight? A human mind can play tricks even when we sleep.
I knew that after holidays, I had to come back to my old life. The one I left years ago. There were too many failures, painful mistakes and things that simply went wrong. The thought of coming back was scary. I was nervous, anxious and unable to find inner peace. But here I am now. It’s been a month since I am back. I am good so far. I am trying to figure out if it was my life back then or it has just changed. Maybe, I started looking at some parts of my life differently. Maybe, I can admit that something has changed in my life and I learn my lessons. Finally.
I was leaning on the rock. It was pretty cold. However, it was relieving to feel something cold and strong behind my back. After a couple of minutes, it was still hard to breathe, and my heart seemed to jump off the chest. I was telling myself to breath deeper. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. However, after a couple of minutes and seeing the path that leads further, I just felt how my knees started shaking and bending. I barely heard and saw what’s going around me. I just knew that panic attack was coming up too fast and I wouldn’t be able to control it any longer. I had to run away to the safer place.
That’s what I did.
And I was left alone in the middle of nowhere.
When the grasshoppers become loud in the evenings even in the city, I realised that summer is coming to an end. It’s August. The last month of summer was always nostalgic for me. The warm wind and intense orange shades of sunset forces to stop for a moment or two and appreciate everything that is around.
Mid-twenties are a strange age, or let me say, a strange place to be. On the one hand, you want still be a teenager who only has fun, but on the other, you want to be a grown-up who has his/her life put together.
Which path should you choose?
On Sundays, some people have breakfast in the afternoon. Maybe a significant other brought a mug of hot coffee to bed and turned on TV to watch a National Geography to look for inspiration for summer destinations. Maybe someone had problems with getting up because of too many margaritas, mojitos or tequila shots on Saturday night, and only meowing cat forced to leave a cozy bed and give some food to a furry friend. Maybe an interesting book feeds more than pancakes with strawberry jam, and a stomach starts asking for something to eat only when the last page of the book is turned over. But some of us, for instance, me, gets up early on Sunday morning, drinks her coffee and thinks about all these things that happened this year. Can you believe that April comes to an end? I cannot, but I learnt a lot.
It’s strange how desperate craving for life might appear during the darkest mornings and quietest nights. You may find yourself crying on the bathroom floor and counting the years how long have you been participating this activity. The fear that years might turn into decades might get you goosebumps. Then you feel tired. Tired of all these years. You may feel the desperate need to stop it, or at least find another bathroom floor. It has to stop. You have to end it.