CHAPTER 2: TO BUILD A HOME

To build a home by Cinematic Orchestra has been following me for years. The song brings nostalgic feelings and gives a little bit of naïve hope that someday we will build a home. For you, for me. However, when I sent him a link to listen to it, he said that it was one of the saddest songs he had ever heard. Indeed. But I managed to find beauty in sadness. What else has left for a dreamer who wanted to build a home?

It’s quite ironic, but the first night I slept in my new apartment, I had a dream about him. Why you? Why tonight? A human mind can play tricks even when we sleep.

Now the song plays in the background while I am writing the first blog post from the sofa I’ve been dreaming of for a long time. Well, in my dreams it was not as terribly-looking as it actually is. But oh well, I am just learning to deal with imperfections in life. I have a sofa, and that matters the most.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about all those people I wanted to sit together on my sofa. I sat or slept on their sofas. However, they never had a chance to find out what might have happened in my place. Few silent evenings in the row I found myself wondering how our relationship would have turned if I had this terrible black/red monster earlier?

I am pretty sure that it may have been easier. Maybe, I won’t be sitting here alone in the fairy-lights and candlelight. Maybe, my cold feet won’t be put under the blanket but under his legs. But even though all these love stories turned to dust, I managed to build a home for me.

x x x

Two weeks ago I made my biggest dream come true. I moved out from my mom’s home. It was not a disaster to live there, but I was unable to do it any longer. It was just too old. I needed my rules, routine and more responsibilities. I was living in the constant battle between who I had to be at home, who I actually was and who I wanted to be.

I was dreaming about a quiet place for a while. The past few years were full of difficult situations, and my thoughts became too loud. I needed a place to be alone and hear myself. Oh, those sweet moments when I was able to enjoy the silence!

But words like violence break the silence.

While people argue whether money can or can’t buy happiness, I giggle that money can buy silence, and that’s my happiness right now. Oh dear, my silence is expensive, but I am looking at it as an investment. Frequent crashes on shrink’s sofa will cost more in the long term. Besides, will these sessions help if you do not live the independent life you want?

I doubt that they would help as much as fulfilling the need to spend quiet time alone. I can hear myself; I can think and sort out my anxious thoughts by cleaning bathroom or old oven. Honestly, cleaning is my therapy.

However, I do not deny the idea of laying for an hour on the shrink’s sofa too. I had several questions to ask because I need to figure out how some shady parts of myself operates. How can I fix it? How can prevent from going to the dark place ever again?

Hopefully, shrink’s sofa won’t be black with red flowers. Otherwise, we might have another issue to solve.

x x x

I told my friends that I cannot imagine a better timing in my life than the 1st of November to change my address. They laughed that the official moving date is quite ironic. All Saint’s Day. In memoriam, my old life! Rest in peace, the old me!

Indeed, my guardian angel (or guardian devil, not sure about that…) has some dark sense of humor, but that’s OK. Dark necessities are the part of my design.

Numerous times I was asking and blaming myself why I cannot afford to move out. I even made myself believe in the saddest idea that I would be able to leave my parent’s nest only if I move in with one of the lovers that went wrong. If my twenty-year-old me heard these thoughts, she would have punched the older self in the face several times. Honestly, I deserved that.

Fortunately, life was more sensitive to me than usual. I was given all the right circumstances and put some chaotic parts of my place in the same place. I managed to operate properly during complicated situations. When I had to choose, I decided to go for my own luck, and look what has happened. I am certain that I wouldn’t be ended up on this terrible sofa if I hadn’t walked through hell and fire recently.

Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for making me stronger.

I was asked numerous times if I was not scared to move out. I was, and I still am, but there are some fears you cannot let to take over. But the fear of the unknown is kind of addictive. It awakens the hunger for knowledge and never-ending learning process.

x x x

Before the time I discovered To Build a Home for the first time, I was determined and passionate about the idea of becoming a badass woman. However, I was too young to think of and identify all the risks and threats that might occur during the journey. Little did I know back then, that my self-esteem would be beaten by failures and love would make me weak.

Twenty-year-old me with straightened dark chocolate hairs sits next to me on the terrible black sofa with red flowers right now. We sit in silence because both of us are not good at expressing and sharing our feelings out loud. Thus, we are just watching the burning candle and watching bypassing cars on the street. But it’s so quiet. The little park above the window isolates the noise of a sleepy city.

While she secretly looks at me with jealousy because I have it all, I glance at her with pity – I wish you were wiser. I pour her a glass of whiskey and invite to the balcony to have few smokes of Marlboro Blue Ice.

x x x

The glass is empty. The last smokes are breathed out. It’s time to leave and turn to dust, my dear. I built a home for you, for me. For us. You’ll be OK. You’ll start the Chapter 2.

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