THE END OF THE YEAR, THE END OF AFFAIRS

The worst beginning of all texts, blog posts and letters is ‘I don’t know where to start.’ However, these are the only right words for the reflection on 2017. I am certain that flashbacks, pain, longing and unsaid words continue haunting me in 2018. Unfortunately, you cannot cut all the strings and move on so easily. Healing takes time. Sometimes it takes more time than anyone can imagine.

A couple of weeks ago I finished reading a book I bought for holidays. I imagined that idyllic scene from the movie: four people are driving in a car through Spanish villages, the well-known melodies are playing in the background, and I am reading an easy novel and once in a while looking through the window to capture the landscape of the unseen country.

Nothing similar has happened.

The only one movie-related scene from that trip may have been my ‘goodbye’ followed by the walk through the parking lot, leaving three people behind to have the first cigarette after the holiday. The voice in the movie would have said something like that She walked from the past, leaving all the struggles behind; she walked without stopping or looking back.

It was the walk when the heart screamed from the pain, but the brains took control over the body and prevented from stopping or looking back. On the 14th of September 2017, I took the first steps in learning basics of the self-respect.

A woman who truly respects herself does not let anyone tell such things I heard. She does not end up in such situations I went through this year. I wish I could tell all those things out loud in order to tell my part of the story. To explain why I was a depressed psycho bitch. I guess it’s a short description of he was (or is) telling about me. I know it as the fact that he told about my darkest secrets. If he told it once, I am pretty sure he did it several times before.

However, I cannot reveal his darkest secrets. I cannot tell the things he told me, the names he gave me, the situations he put me into. It’s against my values and beliefs. I cannot use his flaws and mistakes to make myself look better, and prove that it was not my fault. It’s against my values and beliefs. I might tell my part of the story if I ever get a chance to do it in private.

I chose to be with him. I still believe that he could be amazing men. I know he can. There were several moments in our story I would give everything to live through again. One of the brightest was the 18th of August. If you are still reading my blog (for some reason I believe you might do), you should know what that day was. I said thank you numerous times. It was the night that gave me a belief that we could make it. It took only two weeks to kill it.

Our relationship reminded me that karma is a bitch. The bigger and more terrifying bitch that I could ever be. This year I finished paying for my mistake I did maybe five years ago. My payment took double the time I was complicated two persons’ love story. A story that did not make it to the happily ever after. Just like ours. At the end of the year I just have one question: are you happy that we are not together?

Does it make you happier in your personal life? Don’t bother thinking about me. Think about a person you called your friend; a person you said is the love of your life. Does true love and friendships mean doing everything to make him suffer more? Preventing him from trying to find happiness? All the tiniest jokes, most ridiculous actions, lies, manipulations and other shit you did will turn against you when you least expect it. You may have already discovered some unpleasant consequences of your actions. For some reason, I feel that you do.

However, you will eventually end up in a situation where someone does the same things you did to him or me. You will be in his or mine shoes and realize what a terrible human you are. Trust me, that realization is a disaster. You have to live with consequences of your actions. Thus, if you are happy now, enjoy while you can. My karma hit me after five years when I thought that I finally found love. Imperfect, a similar to me and full of hope.

I want to believe that I paid for my nasty and egoistic work. I want to believe that all these five years of unsuccessful personal life is over. I want to believe that I will be able to start again and build a relationship that lasts no matter what the whole world throws at us. I know that it won’t happen next week or anytime soon. Yes, I know that love doesn’t ask for the right time. But when your heart is still full of unexpressed and unaccepted love, it would not be fair to waste someone else’s time.

The book that I mentioned at the beginning had one significant quotation – we were not the main characters in our life. One more time I chose a book that gave me something more than a romantic love story I hoped to get. That quote pretty much sums up my year. I was not the main character in my story of 2017. It was him until I walked away in the airport. However, his ghost still visits me once in a while. I am pretty sure that the situation won’t change in 2018.

I wish we would have met in 2018, not on 22nd of September 2016. Now I am different. I am sure that he has changed as well. I think there would be fewer obstacles. However, it’s a scenario that will never happen. We might eventually bump into each other. Just before Christmas, he drove by the bus I was sitting in. His car is easy to recognize in the street.

Indeed, after three months the grief finally arrived. Maybe we can blame Christmas. The time when you can feel either the happiest person in the world or the loneliest. I know only the latter feeling. However, I managed not to use Christmas as an excuse to text him. I kept my promise to him and myself not to reach him. But the hardest thing to admit was the fact that it’s not me who should use Christmas for contacting him. It should have been him.

I think he feels the same way as I do. If he would have responded to one of the two sent messages, we had started talking. We would have exchanged dozens of long and complicated letters. Eventually, we would have met again. And again. And again. Until we start trying to be together again. Would it be good? No. Yes. I don’t know.

I don’t know where he is, I don’t know what he does, I don’t know who keeps him a company, but I hope that he is in the better place than he was three months ago. I am not afraid to bump into him; I am not afraid to ask ‘how are you?’, I am not afraid to hear him saying ‘fuck off’ and moving on. The only thing that I am afraid of is to see is that look I saw during the last two weeks we have spent together.

I think it was the same look his sister noticed once and told him about her concerns.

Suffering.

I hope the second person I told about my concerns on September took them seriously. Indeed, there were not one, but two people I talked to from his life. I did not trust the first one, and I had to be certain that someone would look after him because I was no longer a part of his life. I hope my message was taken seriously. I hope it was not taken as a psychotic action of a crazy ex-girlfriend. I believe that at least some part of the message gave important details to pay attention to.

Indeed, I played behind his back the same way another person did in spring for me. However, she lied to me. She lied that she did not tell him anything about my emotional state. I can forgive for the behavior that was hidden from me. However, I cannot forgive the lies. Another connection was cut off.

This post is raw and maybe too open. However, it’s the last post you will ever see in 365affairs.com, so have the last dose of information you always craved. I still have lots of stories to tell and lessons I learned. But I am not sure if I want that it would be associated with my name. I thought that it’s fine, but I do not feel comfortable about that anymore.

Yes, it’s not the first post where I say that it’s over. But this time it is for sure. The name of the blog doesn’t fit my life at all. I know why I started it and what I wanted to do. I know why I quit writing it. I know why I renewed it last year. Yes, he inspired me by taking me to places and showing things I have never seen.

But this blog has more ghosts. Even though those posts were deleted, I still remember them. I still remember people who inspired me to write. But most of the time it was not the best experiences. That’s why I want to let it go. I want to end this blog post at the last days of 2017. It’s symbolic because I launched it on the first day of 2014 or 2015. I cannot remember.

It’s the end of an era of affairs. I want a long-term and serious commitments. Moving out two months ago and signing one year contract was that biggest step I took in my life yet. It was a little bit more than a month after we broke up. It feels that the walk in the airport lead me to home. A new home with a beautiful view of the park. The park that resembles me one place we visited last autumn.

However, every time I went to my mom’s home, it feels like I am attending a funeral. It feels like the walls of my room still breaths in pain and has all the tears I poured in the night during the past 26 years. Moving out feels like an escape. Like a calm place where I can finally heal and build myself the way I want to be.

These two months taught me that I was not wrong about myself. All those ‘if I would have my place…’ were true. I do things differently, I am less anxious and do more things in general. I do not spend days in my bed anymore. I wish he would have a chance to know. But I am not sure if the knowledge would change anything today.

I am a true believer that what’s meant to be will always find a way back to your life. If we were meant to be together, life would bring us back together. Next year. After two years. After the decade or more. I am not talking about waiting for him. The point is that you can never know what might happen. I know people who said ‘never’ and eventually they were doing that ‘never.’ I am one of those people.

I am ending this year with only one major resolution for 2018 – learning to respect myself. If I had respected myself, I wouldn’t have lived through such hard year. I am not talking about acting smarter in drama. The point is that drama itself is a sign that you are doing something wrong with your life. If you respect yourself you do not go down to the level where you scream at each other, call each other nastiest names and finally get back together. No.

However, I won’t document my journey and lessons here. I finally decided to keep track of myself in my notebook I bought last year. Honestly, I want to throw it away because it already has stories about him. However, I will write more stories there. Thus, there’s no need to buy a new one and pretend that all the thoughts will fade away when the clock beats 12 o’clock and fireworks hit the sky. 365 days ago, on New Year’s Eve, we kissed each other and woke up on the first day of 2017 next to each other. It was my Christmas miracle.

I won’t drink too much to text you or call you in the midnight. But if you are reading this, I hope 2018 will be better and easier than 2017 was. Without any shady purposes or hidden manipulations, I truly want you to be happy. I hope you can understand that such things are possible. People say that it’s called love. I don’t know. I never told you that directly, and I think you know the reasons why.

I am not afraid to meet anyone I met this year. I am not afraid of having a small talk or looking into the eyes. I am not ashamed of anything, and I do not hold the anger against anyone. You may have hurt me, but I will recover. I always recover. However, my recovery and improvement is none of your business anymore. If I am interesting to you, you can always text or call me and ask. I am not a monster like people love me to make me feel or create an image for me. I do not bite unless you bite me first. However, it’s your choice – to believe in what others say or check the facts yourself. I guess, I left many people shocked and lost in their lies this year. But sometimes we are too blind to see a simple truth. Life can be very simple or very complicated. It’s our decision how we make it. It’s our decision which truth to follow.

Take care,
M.

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