It’s strange how desperate craving for life might appear during the darkest mornings and quietest nights. You may find yourself crying on the bathroom floor and counting the years how long have you been participating this activity. The fear that years might turn into decades might get you goosebumps. Then you feel tired. Tired of all these years. You may feel the desperate need to stop it, or at least find another bathroom floor. It has to stop. You have to end it.
The time spent crawling on that cold floor are limited. You may need to leave to work, participate a family dinner or perform another role in another play. You get up slowly. The sink gives you a hand, helps to stand up and encourages to talk to your reflection in the mirror. You tell yourself that everything’s going to be all right, wash your face with a cold water and put makeup on. You paint your happy, or at least representable, face because eyes always reveal your secrets. That’s why we tend to hide our eyes, avoid looking at each other and have a passionate love affair with our shoes while walking down the street. However, sometimes we wish someone could see them because words are not enough or too hard to tell. But when you see those eyes and what’s hiding behind them, everything becomes clear. That’s why we desperately look for someone in the crowds and secret places.
When you live your bathroom, few times in a day you may come back there. Sometimes you need to take a break from the life. Sometimes you need few minutes of silence to handle the storm inside of you. Sometimes you need the sink to hold your hands while you take few deep breaths. You might look at your reflection in the mirror and whisper “how could you be so strong?” And the reflections responds that you have no choice. You realise that you are absolutely insane talking with yourself and leave the bathroom. One more time, you take your all mess, all left pieces of yourself and take a deep breath. You have to go forward.
Step after step you realise how much faith you have. How much power you have to make yourself believe that everything’s going to be ok. After years of thinking who you were – Blair or Serena – you realise that you need to decide the colour of your first headband. You realise that you are crazy Blair Waldorf who can handle anything and do anything. The realisation has never been as clear as it is now. You just cannot give up on what truly matters to you; you simply cannot give up on those who are truly important to you. Some people are just born crazy, emotional and hopeless romantics. Just like a tsunami or at least a horrible storm, they can destroy everything with few waves of emotions, and within 24 hours everything comes back to normal. The ocean and the wind become calm; only the dead bodies are floating, the survivors are screaming, and cities were destroyed. But they lucky ones have the chance to start over.
Step by step the day comes to an end, and you have to come back to the morning’s crime scene. The person in the mirror keeps waiting for the words of encouragement, and you whisper “we will make everything right, everything will work out.” The brains catapults from the head one more time and the heart celebrate victory. The heart wants to live and just continue going through hell. Both you get used to the fire, heat, and smell or you find the exit. Meanwhile, you just have to focus on moves, steps and remind yourself several times to breath.
They say, everything that happens is supposed to happen. But Blair once said that destiny is for the losers. Indeed, nothing can change when you just cry on the bathroom floor. You still stay in your personal hell. Everything starts changing when you close bathroom’s door and throw yourself into life. No matter how many times you run back to cry again, the most important thing is that you get out again too. You cannot give up on what you want. You cannot give up on the ones who are beside you, even if they are going through different hell. They still go to pick up themselves on the bathroom floor. The colour of the tiles and the size of the bathroom may differ, but what matters is that they leave those brighter or darker rooms. The lucky ones find someone waiting behind the door. The ones who have been waiting for you to stand up and come out. The crazy ones who cannot give up on what truly matters.