On Sundays, some people have breakfast in the afternoon. Maybe a significant other brought a mug of hot coffee to bed and turned on TV to watch a National Geography to look for inspiration for summer destinations. Maybe someone had problems with getting up because of too many margaritas, mojitos or tequila shots on Saturday night, and only meowing cat forced to leave a cozy bed and give some food to a furry friend. Maybe an interesting book feeds more than pancakes with strawberry jam, and a stomach starts asking for something to eat only when the last page of the book is turned over. But some of us, for instance, me, gets up early on Sunday morning, drinks her coffee and thinks about all these things that happened this year. Can you believe that April comes to an end? I cannot, but I learnt a lot.
When I relaunched my blog, I was inspired. I felt support and encouragement, but then life happened. You know those life moments when you hoped you would never have to face again. Those moments in life when you want to scream; when you go insane; when you want to blame everyone around, but you know that it’s your life, your problems and everything happened for the same old reason. It’s you. Me. The devils, monsters and other dark creatures hiding inside of me. Nevertheless, some of them are already dead; some of them still show up occasionally. I know it sounds schizophrenic, but I want to assure that I do not see any creatures with five heads, any beasts are sitting on my shoulder, and I see the world just the way it is. Well, more or less. We all may have some strange point of view, and others may find our reality ridiculous or strange. Too positive or too negative. My life is a roller coaster. No matter how fun it looks from the outside, there’s not so much satisfaction and enjoyment inside. I wish someone would stop this funfair, but I always knew that I am the only one who has to take a jump from these tiresome swings.
I think I did it.
How does it feel? It’s one of the lowest points in my life. I’ve been here before. It’s a cold and dark place to be. After a week of dull starting at the ceiling in the middle of the night, I started hearing myself telling myself ‘You’ll be fine.’ It takes few more days to start breathing and feeling again. The desire to move on and go further comes back, and you realise that your body and mind protects itself even more than you can ever imagine. They tell that what doesn’t kill us make us stronger. I always want to ask these people – How many times in your life you felt almost dead? If you survived, does these experiences really made you stronger? Don’t you feel weaker? Scared of life and how it can damage you? Don’t you want to find a place where you can feel safe for a while or run away to hide from another life storm which is coming up? When we are at the lowest point of the life, all we want is to be saved and rescued from ourselves. We do not think about being stronger or wiser later. We just wait for everything to be over. We just wait for these words ‘You’ll be fine’ coming from the inside. Sadly, after each failure, it takes more time to recover, and sometimes you doubt whether you hear this words from yourself or not. Yes, it’s scary to hear people telling this kind of words. But have you ever thought how scary is to say it out loud and be unsure whether you can survive this shit? It’s fucking scary, and I have no intentions of crossing out this swear word. Even removal of wisdom teeth does not seem so threatening as this state of mind, feelings, and thoughts in your own head.
However, there’s a positive side of being at the lowest point in your life. During this moment when you realise that you had no other option just to live, you get the idea that you have nothing to lose. Everything is bad, and you take the risk of making it even worse, without having a clue whether it’s even possible, or making it better. I always admire myself when I find that naïve hope and willingness to dream about things inspired by movies and books I read when I was younger. On this sunny Sunday, I can tell that it’s only a few days when I have all necessary answers, when I said all the things have been bothering and worrying me for a while, when promised myself to commit to things that matter me the most in life. About a month ago I took my late birthday present from the jeweller and put it on the fourth finger. I laughed ‘Finally, I am engaged to myself!’ But there’s so much truth in this funny Instagram post. During these dark times, this ring was a reminder that I am committed to myself. I cannot give up. Trust me, it’s easier said than done. It’s easier to deal with shit in life when you have someone by your side because you feel responsible for their wealth and happiness. Maybe, I still have that person in my life. It will take some time to find out.
For late Sunday’s breakfast, I serve honesty and suggest you do the same. If you’re reading this post on any other day of the week, don’t wait for Sunday, and do it right now. The day of the week does not matter. What matters the most is the action. If you have a friend that you know for a long time, write him or her a letter. Say all the things you wanted to say. The things that scare you, stories that he or she has not clue that have happened and how they shaped you. Explain your decisions, words or silly reaction. Look at yourself from his or her eyes and say sorry. Trust me, we may create such a ridiculous image of ourselves… Several months ago I was accused of taking people for granted and using them. It fucking hurt, but later it made me think that maybe some of my actions allows making such an assumptions. I’ve been thinking a lot. Finally, I came up with a conclusion that things that I think and I do has barely something in common. Surprisingly, many of us have the same issue. That’s why we need to speak up once in a while and send each other update. Yes, just like we receive a software update and agree to install them, we should do the same with our relationships and friendships.
We are growing and changing. Our thoughts are changing. We feel disconnected and lonely. We are afraid to tell what’s going on in our heads because we think others won’t understand or call us ridiculous. Sadly, some people will do that. But if you won’t speak up, you will never find those ears that may listen to your silliest fears and will never hear those words of encouragement. We might be living a different life and being in the different situations, but we all have particular wisdom that allows helping each other. We all have the power to do something that prevents others from falling into that dark and scary place. I was recently asked whether I make someone’s life better at that moment. I quite ironically answered that I was doing everyone a favour by not talking to them then. Honestly, I am not doing as much as I could do to improve others life. I am still not a person I would like to be. I am sure that I am better than I was yesterday, last week or a few years ago. There’s progress. I see it. I feel it. I appreciate it. However, I still forget my values and disappoint myself. I become a volcano, tsunami, and earthquake at the same time. A natural disaster that destroys everything around. Will I ever change or is it in my nature? Probably, that’s the key question and destination of my life – to find out how wild I am. Meanwhile, I should prepare a survival kit for those who are in my life or decide to be a part of this journey.
But survival kit for myself is also necessary, and it needs to be upgraded.
After a terrifyingly long time of silence, I heard myself telling myself ‘You will be fine.’ After four tiresome months and one huge mental breakdown, I feel disappointed and quite angry at myself. How could I do this to me? It may be the end of the world, but it’s important to stick to your values and your true self. Those words was a starting point of giving another chance to life, dreams, and most importantly – myself. Currently, I am engaged to myself, but one day I hope to marry myself. I have no clue how many years it would take and who is going to be by my side on my wedding day, but I can assure it will be a spectacular event. I do not have lots of experience with wedding stuff, but I am sure that the most important part is to choose the right person. In order to find the right person, you have to be the right person. The only person you have to spend all your life is YOU. We can never know what might happen to people around us. It’s a cliché, I know. But there are so many clichés in life! And I would love to have more of those things in my life.
I want, and I get it.
You may have noticed that I have disappeared from social media, and it’s a part of my recovery. I need to take a time to rebuild myself in the offline world and strengthen my values without distractions. I was shocked when I found four comments on my blog that are few months old. These things happened when you have no idea that someone you don’t know personally read my blog. Though, it’s quite inspiring and motivating. Last autumn I had some thoughts how I want to rebuild my blog, but I haven’t done anything yet. But for a while, I started getting new ideas and thoughts about what I want to do with 365 affairs. Hopefully, I will stick to these things, commit to myself fully and make it happen.