ODE TO AUGUST

When the grasshoppers become loud in the evenings even in the city, I realised that summer is coming to an end. It’s August. The last month of summer was always nostalgic for me. The warm wind and intense orange shades of sunset forces to stop for a moment or two and appreciate everything that is around.

Probably, August is one of the most favourite months of the year. Even though, I am not a huge fan of summer. It’s always been kind of lonely season for me.

I’ve never had those summer memories full of adventures, sand and sunny days outside. There are many reasons why. Mistakes, wrong choices and inability to get up after failures. Summer is the consequences of what you have done during last seasons.

I was always waiting for those summer stories. I was waiting for people who were living the summer to tell me their adventures and plans. Their stories fed me with a life I’ve never had. They helped me to daydream and hope that one day I’ll know what it feels like.

But nightmares are dreams too.

Facebook reminds me the events that happened last year for a week. These posts remind me how much I tried to take as much as possible from life; how much I tried to appreciate the opportunity to travel and see beautiful places.

But that was the time when I had to give up on my naive plans, dreams and admit that I failed and had to deal with consequences. I remember myself trying to explain to others, to find my sanity and figure out what is going on with my life. That was the time when I realised how hard we judge others by our perspectives on life.

It’s hard to understand others. It’s hard to explain others that you can have what you want, but it’s not what you need. It becomes even more difficult when you pour your heart out to someone and receive a bitter saying ‘no, you do not need that.’

I did.

I do.

I have.

Last weekend the two of us were watching stars and flashes of lightning. Two warm nights, the sound of grasshoppers and sleepy mood. I saw two shooting starts for the first time in my life, and I did not make a wish. It was too quick, and I laughed that I have the list of things I want to come true, and the shooting star should know about them. Just like a Santa Claus.

However, it took me few days to realise that I was living the moment of summer I dreamt of for a long time. During the past months, I had some strange moments that I could not believe that it’s my life and I am finally doing it. I kept myself quiet and barely shared the joy with others.

Others… Who are they and where are they? These are the open questions that I am currently looking the answers for.

There were few times when I was making memories and realised that I could have it all. Maybe, I can still have that adventurous summer full of sand and warm nights. However, there’re lots of questions, doubts, and fears. The idea of summer was postponed to the next year.

It might look like the rejection of one of the most important rules of life – live in the moment. However, no one can run a mile as soon as they get the plaster removed from a broken leg. Healing takes time. Accepting changes in life is also not an easy task. What is more, the realisation comes that you are no longer alone and you have to pull back yourself together because you feel responsible for the one who is around.

Sometimes it still feels that someone is breathing behind your back when you walk in the dark night. The fear. That creature once in a while shows up and cause chaos. It seems that the more I run away from it, the more it follows me back. I stopped.

I started digging and digging, and digging, and digging… Until I found those skeletons. I am not sure what to do with them. The fear became a fact. It doesn’t matter we like them are not; facts are facts. We have to accept them.

But what are you supposed to do next?

To live, maybe.

But living the life might be scary. It’s easier to put your true needs to the second or third plan. Or forget about them at all. It’s easier to convince yourself that you do not need it until you start suffering from the chronical dissatisfaction of life.

It’s easy to get stuck in particular moment of life or age and believe that there is plenty of time to do this and that. But once you realise that your co-worker who is sitting next to you just turned 22 – the age you still feel in your heart – you cannot understand where these four years have passed.

I am not 22 for four years.

I always laugh and plan that I’ll achieve particular milestones till my 30th birthday. I have only four years. Of course, I can follow the saying that when the right time comes, everything is going to happen. But there’s no such thing as the right time. It’s just a time that flies too fast.

I do not want to waste four more years.

This morning Facebook popped up the last memory from last year’s trip. In that post, I said that no matter how far you go, how many kilometres you manage to drive within a week or two, you always come back to the same place you left. The problems, thoughts, and work remain there. However, you have to move on, try again and just do it.

This week I am celebrating one year anniversary at work. It’s the first time I spent such a long time at one workplace. Probably, my fear of commitments is finally fading away. Next month it will be one year since I met him. I cannot understand how 365 days can fly within a blink of the eye.

It was a hell of the year. However, I survived; and most importantly, we survived.

I cannot imagine where I might be the next year. I am pretty sure that once I hear grasshoppers chirping, I’ll sit in a quiet place to think. It will be around the middle of the August 2018. Where will I sit? Where will I listen to the sounds of the ending summer? Where will I watch those bright sunsets?

I hope, I won’t be in the same place.

But I should not be hoping. I should be working on these goals.

However, I feel the changes are coming. The anxiety sits here next to me and plays with my fears and wishes. I hate that feeling when I want something, but I am afraid of it at the same time. How it’s even possible? I have no doubts that those fears are the sign that I am going to places I’ve never been.

Unknown things usually scare us.

But there’s so much of life that it’s a sin to let fears to overpower us.

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