I knew that after holidays, I had to come back to my old life. The one I left years ago. There were too many failures, painful mistakes and things that simply went wrong. The thought of coming back was scary. I was nervous, anxious and unable to find inner peace. But here I am now. It’s been a month since I am back. I am good so far. I am trying to figure out if it was my life back then or it has just changed. Maybe, I started looking at some parts of my life differently. Maybe, I can admit that something has changed in my life and I learn my lessons. Finally.
The world seems mine, but an unknown place to be at the same time. For months I was noticing myself acting not like I used to. That weird situation that you hear yourself saying that you have never expected to say out loud. Though, there are still many things left unsaid or explained in the wrong way. I am still learning to communicate and express myself correctly. Even though it’s easy to put my thoughts into texts, I still cannot tell the things that are going in my head out loud.
I can only imagine the right conditions for me to speak up. To tell the truth. Express feelings. Let everything go. Explain. Give those crucial tips and instructions how to act properly in my life. That’s why so many people misbehaved. They simply did not know. I did not tell them. Of course, there’s always a question if they ever wanted to know. Maybe they wanted, but they have the same problem – they did not know how to ask. We are all fucked up in different ways. We share the same flaws that we want to hide at the same time. That’s not OK.
I believe the key to change and making your life great (again) is admitting your flaws and learning to live with them. It’s easy to say ‘fix’ them. You may need to spend all your life working on various issues. Thus, you just have to learn to see and appreciate the progress you make. You have to find starting points and once in a while look back to see how much you have improved since that day.
However, sometimes it’s hard to feel the change when you see everyone else’s life changed more than yours. Major improvements and new chapters. Though, you stay at the same place with different thoughts.
One guy I had a crush on years ago is married and has a toddler.
Another guy who was unfortunately fallen in love with me got married too.
Other people, I used to know get engaged, married or has firstborns.
And here I am, scrolling Tinder again and looking for the apartment to rent. No major changes yet. Even my stalker ex is always around and tries to find a way to contact me.
But I have hope.
I know that everything will be OK eventually. Of course, I am impatient. I’ve been waiting for so long.
Waiting. What a terrible habit to have.
For a very long time, I was waiting. Waiting for a perfect chance, for time, for people, for things I deserve. Indeed, deserve. Not want. Not need. Deserve. It’s a brave thought in a depressed head.
I think it is a proof that you don’t see life in such dark colours anymore. It’s a sign that you want more bright lights and sunshine in your life. Once you tell yourself that you deserve a better life, you find the strength to move on and do everything that it takes to get it. No matter how hard it is, how much it hurts or how many memories follow you.
It is said that we accept the love we think we deserve. But the love (if we can call it love) I experienced during my life was not as I deserve. I was not a perfect lover as well. But these two issues are related. The problems in love occur when we lack of love for ourselves.
No one teaches us to love ourselves. No one tells how to love others. We do not tell others how we need to be loved. We all speak different love languages.
What is yours?
Can we cut the bullshit? What are your flaws? I’ll tell you mine. What did she or they do to you? How many times your heart has been broken? How many hearts did you crush?? I have my numbers as well. Let’s talk. Let’s be honest.
It’s not a competition. I wish the number was lower. Honestly, I wish I could not talk to you right now. I am tired of all this crap. I wish I could think of paying the rent, bills or what to make my husband for dinner instead of drinking coffee with you. I want to upgrade all my problems to the next level. I sick of hearing those hurtful words you didn’t have time said your ex. I am not her. She is not me. We are not the same. But I am bored talking about myself one more time. If it’s not you, how many times do I need to tell my story to someone else?
Maybe I am boring. I think I am. That’s why I changed my hairdresser and died my hair blond in spring. I died my hair pink-ish yesterday on purpose. Life is too short for boring hair. I want to experiment and do things that I am not comfortable. Those things that I do not have the confidence to do anymore. The things that challenge me both mentally and physically in a good way. That’s why started the same art school the third time and went on a 15 hike for the first time. I made four more people go with me.
I would love to do more exciting things. I would like to train for a run and finally run that 5 km that was a goal for me since I started running a couple of years ago. I would love to overcome my fears. I want to climb the mountain and go down deep under the water. I want to count stars in the middle of the summer or winter night. I don’t care about the season. I care about the sky and that time in the woods with you. I want to watch silly movies and plan the future together. Even if it’s only a weekend trip or first holidays abroad.
I want to make plans how we make things between us to work right. I want to remind you that I believe in you no matter what those demons on the shoulder say to you. I want to hear the same words from you when my weaknesses speak louder than me.
Will you let me rest on a Friday night and fall asleep on your shoulder while watching a movie? I promise to make you a perfect cup of coffee on Saturday morning. I get up earlier than you.
That’s what I do to myself. I make myself a cup of coffee on early Saturday morning. I come back to my bed and watch how morning comes. Birds, cars, people with dogs, and me in PJs.
It’s the silence and peacefulness that makes these early mornings so addictive. An hour until the madness arrives. Sixty minutes to prepare yourself for whatever the day is going to give you. The days are unexpected. Once you look around and realise that a problem you had a few months ago no longer exists. It’s gone. How? When? It’s so strange to feel that one part of your life finally feels good. After a long time, you found peace and do not want to make radical changes. You found the stability.
Maybe the problem seemed so huge because other parts of my life seemed complicated. The negative energies and thoughts may have taken over. Though, I have the feeling that those other problems may have been not as huge as they were made to be. I had these ideas back then, but I was not listened to, and that’s a pity.
Undoubtedly, new problems occur, but for now, I enjoy the moment. During the past year, I had lots of moments I enjoyed. But it was an insane roller coaster. There were very high-heights and low-lows. Too much. Life always has ups and downs. However, it’s not normal to jump from the Everest to the Mariana Trench and rise to these heights again, and then drown again.
I am too old and too tired for the drama. All my life I was running away from these things. I was running from gossips, poor connections, and useless drama. That’s why my social circle is so small. I cannot pretend that I like a person if I know that he or she talks behind my back. If you are telling me nasty things about your ‘friend,’ I am pretty sure that you are telling similar things about me to others as well. There’s no trust. I am gone.
I am tired of fighting for useless purposes. I don’t care if I was wrong or you. If I am wrong, I tell you ‘I am sorry’ and mean it. What about you? You should do it too. The point of fights is to learn something about each other and stop making each other feel bad. It’s not a competition who is right and who is wrong. Who cares? I chose to be with you, and you chose to be with me, even if we sometimes are wrong. We make mistakes. But we can learn from them. Are you willing to learn all your life and teach your ego to remain silent when it’s needed? I do.
Let’s cut the bullshit. Let’s rationalize things that should not be rationalized. Tell me about your darkest secrets, and I’ll tell you mine. I’ll give you manual guide how to treat me right, and I’ll learn yours by heart. Then we could fall in love madly. Like those teenagers who haven’t experienced heartbreak yet. But we are older and more mature, so we could make it this relationship to last longer.
Is it possible to have such conversation with a person you do not know? A new guy or girl who does not know your story. We often tend to hide those painful or complicated chapters from our lives. We believe that everything will fade away. A new love will heal us. But we choose people similar to us. Similar to the people we dated before. That’s why we get hit again to the same spot. Lucky are those who can understand that it was not an intentional action. It was because a new person did not know that it’s a place that hurts. But the majority of us let the pain control our minds and words that come out from our mouths. The words that are dedicated not for a person that stands next to us, but someone from the past.
I always knew that I could hit hard. The power of words. The anger and pain let me create sentences sharp as a knife. I can kill with words. However, I was always underestimated for my power.
The last time I used my weapon I was disappointed in myself. It doesn’t matter if the words you hear hurt you, you cannot hurt back. You have to stick with your values and do not go down to that nasty level. You cannot cheat on yourself. I betrayed myself. I hurt people I did not want to hurt.
I can say that I am a terrible person. I can blame myself for numerous reasons. But there’s nothing one person’s fault. If someone attacks you, you cannot stand still and let him/her kill you. You fight. You fight for your life.
I wish I could go away from the war zone as soon as I get the first hit. But I fight till the end. Many years I was told that I want too much from people, that might standards are too high. I would be left alone if I would not be so judgmental and selective. I tried, and I had years of chronical unhappiness because I tried to please everyone else who stepped into my world with dirty feet. We can clean your muddy shoes, right?
No, we can’t. There’s a rug. Clean your shoes… No, take off your shoes and come in. There’s no place for your dirt in my life. I don’t care if your socks are worn out. There are slippers; you can hide your feet in them.
I wish I wouldn’t have listened to them. I wish I had followed my ‘arrogant’ rules. I wish I stood up for myself more. I wish I did more. I wish I moved faster. I wish I spoke up more. They said I was left alone if I would not change. I tried to change. I tried to fit those rules. I am still alone.
But that’s not true. I am not alone.
Loneliness has been following me for years, and once in a while, I felt that no one cares about me at all. This spring/summer I distant myself from everyone I knew because all the relationships seem wrong. I let them contact me if they need me. I was trying to get in and fit in another world.
During that time I had plenty of time to think and analyse. I did not understand why people act in one way or another. Why others have friends since high school, and I don’t. Why my phone does not ring? Everyone is living their lives, and I am not a huge part of theirs.
But was it true?
We all feel more or less the same. We do not connect with each other for ridiculous reasons that are born in our heads. We complicate things instead of making the first move. I know, making it is difficult and scary. What if they say ‘no’?
You try again next time.
Since I came back from the holiday, my old life met me. I did not need to stop and wait where the wind will blow me away from there. The car I did not ask waited for me. During the next few days, new plans were arranged. During the last month I heard numerous times ‘how are you?’ and even if my voice is still shaking, I do not lie when I say ‘I am fine.’
It’s surprising for me as well. I am doing better than I thought that I am capable of. If someone had told me that I could do this half a year ago, I would have called them idiots. I did not see the purpose of living back then, and now I arrived at a place where I see a meaning. The future. Human minds are crazy and complicated.
It seems that I managed not only to put out myself from that dark period. Somehow I ended up in a mental state that I was years ago. I do not exaggerate. YEARS. I haven’t felt in this last autumn or two years ago. I think I felt somehow similar about five years ago. The time when I thought that everything is possible even if the world says that I am crazy. Back then I saw the steps I had to take in order to get what I want. And I got it. But I was too young to deal properly with those achievements and inexperienced to solve the problems that occurred.
Even though I lost my belief somewhere during the years, I found it again during the past four weeks. I am not sure how it happened. However, I am certain that these feelings and ambitiousness are not inspired by another man, friends, colleagues, family members or other human beings. It was me who put myself back together and promised a better life. Because I am worth it. I deserve it.
In the middle of September, I wrote down three major goals with deadlines. However, I do not like calling them ‘goals.’ They are just part of my life that need to be fixed in order to perform like a normal human being. I need a place to live and a possibility to drive myself wherever I want. I was dreaming about these things for a while until life gave me a chance to get it.
Within a year my life will change. I promise.
One year is a long period of time. However, 365 days might fly away within a blink of the eye. Flashbacks from the last autumn and the one five years ago once in a while appears in my mind. I guess there are things that we will remember and miss till the end of the life. We just have to be grateful for having a chance to experience it and continue creating new ones. Alone or with someone new.
When I went on a plane to the holiday, I knew that no matter what might happen, I would not have a privilege to drown into depression once I come back. I had responsibilities that were a ticket to my escape of current life circumstances. I put myself in too many shameful situations and disappointed myself too many times. It’s enough.
That’s what I did.
My old life greeted me with a bunch of events and plans to attend new ones; with a cup of coffee in the middle of the day and the proud feeling of yourself when you send an invoice and receive a payment; with a birthday party with a bunch of people I do not know but had a good time talking with. I had a chance to chat with people without a fear of being judged or compared to someone else. Even if I sounded ridiculous or out of my mind, I did not care. It’s so nice to have conversations without overthinking should I tell particular things or not; if those words might be used against me or not.
My old life greeted me with words of encouragement. It’s hard not to get emotional when a person you haven’t spoken in months tells that you did more than enough and your actions were not appreciated. It’s true. There are numerous reasons why such situations happen. High expectations, chronical dissatisfaction, traumas and bad experiences.
I am pretty sure that the list of people who think that I am a psycho bitch increased at least by 20 human beings I barely know. But that’s just another unfair life situation when people judge you only by hearing one side of the story.
In ridiculous and useless life battles always wins the one who is louder. The one who first starts telling secrets and painting a negative picture of the opponent. Ironically, once you were a team. Or at least you thought you were a team. I lost one of these battles 8 years ago, and it still affects my life till this day.
The final fights always make you think if you were so blind during all this time. Have you been so wrong about your teammate? Was it such a great actor in the life? It’s easy to put all these negative thoughts and create a bad image of a person. However, I chose not to do this. What would it say to me? Why did I choose such a terrible teammate? Indeed, it’s illogical. Shit happens, and that’s it.
I put myself in numerous crazy and ridiculous situations. I can recognize why people sometimes act in one way or another. The problem with being able to understand is that you often are expected to sacrifice your happiness to their wealth. Unfortunately, I tend to do this because I know what it feels like to live a painful life where you cannot be yourself, and no one knows your struggles. But my well-being is a fragile thing too. It needs to be taken care of.
After spending one month in my world, I saw how many great things I have. My friends are getting engaged, married, having babies or deciding not having babies for a couple of years, planning weddings and moving in together. They think about changing jobs; they do change jobs. They deal with serious problems and indirectly teaches me about issues that are waiting for me in the future.
I can learn. I can grow. I can see the things that are waiting for me in the future.
I have all necessary utilities to create my future.
The life I always wanted.