During the past year, I heard about the same tragedy that happened to four different people. Well, mathematically, eight people. It’s the same story about love that faded away. Engagement rings were thrown away in the sea of memories or from the high mountain without having a chance to be discovered again. Nevertheless, the reasons and further storylines turned out; differently, I was questioning the meaning of engagement, love, and relationships.
I found myself wondering whether I should follow my cynical path and idea of love, or should I embrace my tiny inner romantic who was muted years ago by wrong decisions and people who were unable to love.
A little bit more than 365 days ago I had no idea that engagement might be canceled. I always thought that once you get a ring, that’s it. You can feel safe and sound. You start looking for a perfect dress and fighting about the size of the wedding. You are preparing for the day when happily ever after will start, without thinking about getting back to the dark game of dating.
Trust me, the older you get, the darker and more difficult the game becomes. We get used to being alone; we forget how to love and treat people right; we forget how to accept love due to all the scars and fears we are bringing from the past even though we have never had/put a ring on that finger.
I can only imagine what might be going on in the hearts of those who thought that they found the love of their lives. When can you fully recover from the tragedy that your life plan was turned to dust? Can you fully recover? Can you love again? Can you put a ring on it again or say “yes” and accept it once again? I hope you can. I hope, I would never have to find the real answer based on my personal experience.
Maybe that’s why I fail so much. The fear that everything might turn out wrong prevents me from building strong relationships. It’s scary to invest in such fragile and unexpected thing as another human being. The fear of commitment was always here.
Indeed, people do get married and get divorced, and then get married, and sometimes they end up being single with a few kids again. While ones end up in a depression and start hating men or women in general; others continue looking for love and never lose hope that somewhere one heart beats in the same rhythm, and one day they will meet.
It sounds so childish, sweet and disgustingly romantic. Though, it’s beautiful too. There’s nothing more beautiful in the world than love. There’s nothing more powerful than a person who still believes in love even though (s)he failed more than once.
The failed engagement stories were followed by two sad conversations with people who had doubts about their future with the ones they kiss goodnight. They were questioning their decisions, shared the disappointment of themselves and others, expressed incomprehension how they ended up in such situations. They have never thought that these things might happen to them, but they are living in confusion right now. Indeed, life is full of surprises and unexpected plot twists. Sometimes they are not pleasant.
However, these stories gave me more material to think of how complicated relationships between two people are. How could you tell if someone next to you doesn’t have doubts? What should you do if you know? Can you find the damage and bring back trust? Or should you arrange a funeral for your love?
The trust is such a fragile thing. Once broken, it is never the same. Once in a while, the shadow shows up, and you are not sure should you believe what the person tells you, or should you scream out loud that your insecure heart whispers in the middle of the night? I am perfectly aware of the trust issues and how far they might go. It’s hard to trust a person when many others proved you that trust is a barely existent thing these days.
But if you want to see good, you can find it.
If you want to find a light, you can find it.
If you want to fix it, you can do it.
If you want to love and feel loved, you can have it.
I was sharing my disappointment of love to my friend. She gave me the craziest idea that I should find something positive in the sad love stories. Probably, I would have screamed at her that she cannot think logically because she had a baby a few months ago and all her hormones are making her crazy, but she pointed out to the important fact – all those stories I heard are not mine. It doesn’t mean that my story will turn out the same way even though my dating life is more or less terrible.
A few days later I could agree that her idea makes sense. I can still choose what to believe. I can be unhappy cynical who does not want to be high in love. I did that, I know the consequences. I can be hopeless romantic; an idiot who falls in love within a couple of minutes too. I did that also, and I am familiar with consequences as well. I guess being in the middle of these two would be a golden spot. But I think that I might need someone to show that such thing exists.
If I ever want to be normal.
A few days ago I was trying to get rid of these ideas by cleaning my home. Random Sex and the City episode was playing in the background. Finally, Carrie put the final dot to my thoughts with the infamous quote: I am someone who is looking for love. Real Love. Ridiculous… inconvenient… consuming.. “can’t live without each other” love.
I looked at my laptop and said out loud: “me too.”
Maybe all these tragedies are just another sick test that life was prepared for me. Maybe life pushed me to into making a decision and choosing who I am. Maybe it’s enough of playing a double agent who is cynical from the outside, but hopeless romantic inside who expects that madness. This hide-and-seek game always turn out bad and causes lots of unhappiness.
If you cannot find the light around, you have to be the light.
Thus, I choose to be an idiot.
I choose to believe in engagement rings that are replaced with wedding rings that are put on for life.
I choose to become a love that I expect to find in someone else. Someday.
I hope that all of the sad stories that made me months of thinking will have a happy ending. Whether it will be a new love or the success of gluing broken pieces together perfectly, true love always find a way to your life sooner or later.